Monday, April 24, 2006

Denial is over...

She saved my life...

Rough times in my life these past few days. You think about what you have done in the past and wonder if it has an accumulative impact on the present and future. It has become difficult to cope with the fact that I have lost someone and something very special.

It is my belief that when a split occurs in a relationship, especially one as long as ours was, a part of you dies. This recent tragedy has been pretty rough on me. One can say that there is no time to be depressed, but the loss and the pain hit you sooner or later. One has no time for depression when one is in absolute denial. This whole ordeal is such a shame and one could say, that as a result of the tragic break up, I am to blame for all of the wrongs I committed over the years.

You have to understand that this was a girl who was truly loving, supportive, and towards the end, many people still do not realize that she saved my life. That really gets me choked up, especially when I realize that she made a decision to be alone rather than with me. I thought about the pleasant time we had on Valentine's Day when we went out to dinner in Atlantic City and stayed at a hotel. Memories of our times together we went out to eat or hung out recently resurfaced in my brain. Shopping with her, and conducting our family-style shopping at Target, was absolutely precious. For almost a week (we broke up last Tuesday), my competence in being able to cope with the separation was almost impenetrable.

Until today, many would say that I was in a denial state. Today it hit me really hard. Today, the fact that we are separated has really jammed a dagger in my heart and it feels as though a part of me is gradually dying. When a girl, who has loved me so much, supported me in times of need, and even saved my life, comes to the conclusion that she is confused about how she feels about me, that feeling is equivalent to being impaled in the heart by a meat hook. It is a hard thing to accept and the pain is forcefully apparent.

I am sorry for all of the mean things I ever said or did. My sympathy is with this girl as a result of her confusion and sadness. She is confused about her feelings for me. I can not tell you had sad that is. Lord, I am so sorry. How could I have been so bad? So blind? Behave so impurely at times? Depression is growing stronger and it is unbearable. I am so sorry.

This is a post that says it all, perhaps for weeks or even months into the future. I am just so sad.

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